#46 - Car Kink

Its 1am and I cant sleep. At this point, any sleep therapist or self-proclaimed TikTok guru would tell you that the worst thing you could possibly do is pick up your phone and look at it. Its bright, luminescent facia will begin a firing sequence of neurons in your brain which will in turn make you think it’s time to get up and start the day thus achieving exactly the opposite of what you had initially set out to do……Sleep!

I momentarily heed @sleepdoctor101’s sound advice before collecting my phone from its bedside resting point and firing up “The Trader”. There is a reason I have chosen Auto Trader and not another more highbrow, specialist car buying site. Where I am heading is dark, dare I say even taboo and only good old AT is going to have the naughtiness that I am after.

My kink (or should I say kinks) when it comes to cars is deep rooted yet seldom spoke of. In a world where you are expected to suggest white collar automotive exotica to clients and customers on the daily, a behind the scenes look at what really gets me going when no one is looking might arguably be cause for concern.  

Peak car era in my opinion was, and always will be the late noughties to early tens…2008-11 if you really wanted me to stick a pin in it. Why I hear you ask….well, even though we were facing a global recession in light of a banking crisis and the world was looking a little bleak, the strength of the preceding decade had allowed car manufacturers to be ambitious. This combined with rapid technological developments meant that the end of the noughties became the point in our rich automotive tapestry where we saw a shift from analogue to digital. A shift I should add, with a positive bias still firmly on the analogue. Cars available for sale new within that 3 year window from 2008-2011 include but are not limited to every iteration of 997.2 GT3 (inc 4.0), 997 GT2 RS, Audi R8 V10, Mercedes CLK63 AMG Black Series, BMW 1M Coupe, Ferrari 430 Scuderia, Ferrari 599 GTO, Audi B7 RS4, Audi C6 RS6, BMW E92 M3, BMW E90-92 335d…..wait…..what was the last one?

Now I feel some context is probably pertinent at this time. You see, while these aforementioned behemoths were being churned out, manufacturers (mostly German) also saw value and appetite for “Performance Diesels”. I admit the phrase on first uttering is very much an oxymoron but bear with me, the reality is quite different. There were 2 good reasons for this.

Firstly, real world performance is all about Torque not Horsepower. Any Porsche GT product owner from this period will have at some point been embarrassed by a fast diesel because… while their highly tuned Mezger race engine is unstoppable above 7k RPM at full chat, catch them in the wrong gear at 40mph and even a Skoda Octavia vRS is cause for concern. Secondly, in the late noughties and particularly in continental Europe, the automotive consumer was quite keen on the idea of a multipurpose, Swiss army knife of a car. One that was a jack of all trades yet master of none. As such, the Performance Diesel allowed you to waft along the motorway achieving 40mpg yet if necessary, was capable of giving you a nice thump in the kidneys to impress your friends on a B-road….and that’s all that mattered.

Now the king of the performance diesel was without a question of a doubt the VAG group and more specifically, Audi. As the premier performance arm of the multinational, it was through Audi that we were given the most impressive display of performance diesels. The story however surprisingly starts with a race car.

Back in the early 2000’s, head of Engine Technology at Audi Sport Ulrich Baretsky met with officials from the Automobile Club de l'Ouest to discuss the direction for the future of endurance racing. Baretsky, having been made aware that around half of cars found on European roads were powered by diesel engines thought the idea of introducing a diesel powered race car to the top flight of the prestigious racing series had legs. What’s more, Audi were keen to increase their market penetration of diesel cars into the US and head of Audi Sport Wolfgang Ullrich saw it as a great way of changing the deep rooted stereotypes of diesels being dirty oil burners only used in trucks. In addition, it proffered the opportunity of carrying out some useful TDI R&D. With Ferdinand Piëch’s consent, the Audi Sport diesel endurance program had the green light.

With a chassis based on the hugely successful Audi R8 LMP1 car, a brand new 5.5 litre, aluminium twin turbo V12 diesel engine was developed. Putting out 641bhp and a seismic 1,100 Nm of torque in a car that weighed just 925kg was an impressive feat. Officially launched as the Audi R10 TDI at the end of 2005 in Paris, the number 7 car of Audi Sport Team Joest would go on to claim victory at the 74th edition of the 24 Hours of Le Mans just 200 days later piloted by Frank Biela, Marco Werner and Emanuele Pirro. In doing so, making it the first ever diesel powered car to win the event.

Of equally noteworthy mention was that for the following 2 years (2007 and 2008), the R10 TDI would remain victorious at Le Mans only eventually being defeated by a diesel powered Peugeot in 2009. In 2010 with an updated R15 TDI Plus, Audi Sport would go onto to set a record of 397 laps completed and 5,411km covered over the 24 hour period. A record, which still stands to this day.

The glow of the Auto Trader app engulfs my face as I efficiently select my search criteria. This is not my first rodeo. Make – Audi, Model – Q7, Model Variant – TDI V12. There is only ever a single one of these for sale in the UK at one point in time and given their “uniqueness”, typically for a period greater than 6 months but less than a year. For the avoidance of doubt, my automotive fetish has nothing to do with race car engined road cars. That is both too obvious and overdone. What’s more, the 6 Litre V12 that ended up in the Q7 was 500cc larger than the engine found in the R10 TDI, down on power and devoid of any shared mechanicals with the Le Mans winner. But that is all irrelevant. The mere fact that someone high up at VAG, possibly even Piëch, gave the go ahead to put the Q7 V12 TDI into production was astonishing.

Predictably it sold terribly! With a list price of close to £100k and the ability to push that just shy of £150k with options back in 2008 was somewhat of a joke. Audi managed to shift 44 cars in the UK market and I’m told that was quite hard going. In my eyes though, it was and still remains perfection! The now dated and boxy shape of the 1st gen Q7 contradicted by the massive carbon ceramic discs hiding behind the only wheels big enough to house them and assist in the stopping of the 2.5 tonne freight train. Some subtle daytime running lights and an equally stealthy pair of RS-esque oval exhaust pipes the only clues to the discerning onlooker that this is more than just another Q7 on the school run. Even the V12 TDI Quattro badge on the boot is too easily ignored. Everything about this car is ridiculously terrible yet undeniably cool all at the same time.

I have got close to pulling the trigger on one of these beasts over four separate occasions now. Actually I exaggerate….the 3rd time was a 5.0 litre V10 powered diesel Touraeg R50. Each time however, our annoying VAG mechanics will pour cold water over my rose tinted spectacles by telling me every single thing that can go wrong with them. Then again, they seem to be able to find fault in all VAG product possibly explaining why they have been in business for so long and so profitably!

The sad reality is that there have been many brilliant performance diesels produced over the last 15 years. All of them offering that most deliciously versatile one stop product that in my opinion, still remains extremely desirable to this day. Diesel however is a mute phrase in modern day society with politicians campaigning hard to rid them from our roads in preference of equally pollutive EV alternatives. The £700 a year road tax and Mr Khan’s sodding ULEZ charge a fitting middle finger from the powers in Whitehall.

BUT…..if we move away from the sublime and ridiculous, there are still some brilliant performance diesels available. BMW remain invested in the concept and any 3 series sporting a 335d, or more recently M340d badge will always get a big thumbs up from me. Audi also still maintain a host of fast diesels in their line-up from S4 TDI’s to meaty bi-turbo diesel A6’s. Furthermore, it would be amiss not to mention the corker of a TD V8 found in Porsche Panamera and Cayenne product. So there you have it, I like Performance Diesels!

 I return to my Auto Trader app, the brief review of all that is good about oil burners making me feel relaxed and at peace with the world. I’m about to let my eyes shut when the search tab selects; Make – Volkswagen, Model – Touraeg, Model Variant – W12…..oh dear lord!

Happy Motoring,

Greg